Thursday, 1 May 2014

What else should I be, all apologies

One of the things I dislike most about myself is the way that I perpetually apologise for my appearance.

For example, the other day I was in the bath and my husband walked in. I sat straight up and apologised for my state of undress - WHAT NONSENSE IS THIS?!? I know I may refer to myself as a "nevernude" but this was the bath (I would wear a swimming costume but they're exhausting getting in and out of) Where does this horrible habit come from?!??
I've always apologised for my height, but then it's always been an issue. Photographers at school had to shift everyone about to try and prevent me spoiling their aesthetic genius (straight lines all the way). As a bridesmaid, buying a dress went from what would have been a straightforward task to a military operation of epic proportions. Plus, uniforms were never adhered to due to ridiculously long limbs, this sounds great in theory but it meant I had some prrrretty grim (boys) trousers in an effort to match what everyone else was wearing.
Backrow middle. ALWAYS.
I'm less inclined now to apologise for my height, frankly I'm not that tall in comparison to other people, plus it bores me. Despite this, my first response when someone new jokes about how short I make then feel, is to laugh "hahaha I know, I'm sorry about that!" You know, because I have a choice in it...

I have now moved on to apologise about my weight/size/shape. This happens in the following two arenas:

Anywhere where someone will be in close proximity to me 
I am an extremely clumsy individual, the word ungainly was created for me. I've always put this down to the sheer amount of space I take up. If I want to sit down on a settee and someone else is on said settee I will say something along the lines of "whoops oooops excuse me, oh my big bum! Sorry" OR I just won't sit down because I can already hear myself saying these things and it makes me cringe until my face hurts.
My delicate touch 
This also happens when I'm having a massage/facial/someone is looking at any part of me for more than 30seconds. I can't help but say something like "I bet this is easier on someone with a smaller surface area" SIGH.

When discussing being a Plus sized blogger
My measurements put me at anything from a 14 to an 18 (I must stress here - THIS IS ON PAPER. PAPER IS NOT REAL LIFE). So this is a new apology from me; "Sorry I'm sometimes a size 14". 

From around the age of 7, I haven't been able to go into a shop, say "ooooh I like that I'LL TAKE IT". This is for various reasons, be it my loooong legs, my "powerful" thighs, high waist or simply because the clothes don't go up to my size. I basically shop wherever I can find something that fits and that I like. 

Despite all this, I appreciate that I am still fortunate enough to find gems on the high street or in vintage shops unlike many other PS bloggers. I know from speaking to friends how frustrating it is to consistently see plus size brands advertising with much smaller models and only a minority of plus size ranges going beyond a size 26. I do, however, have a real issue with the word "Privilege" in this sense. I'm extremely privileged in many ways, and I'm not ignorant to this. However, being an "inbetweenie" is not a "privilege" to me, it just means that in not being a straight sized blogger, and not being a size 18+ I'm in some kind of clothing no mans land.

This size issue is one of my most awkward apologies. It comes from not fitting in. I want everyone to fit in everywhere always but that is not the world we live in and this makes me sad. As I get older, I'm not as upset by personally not fitting in, which is lucky because it's not happened yet and I doubt it will happen anytime soon. And that's what makes us all who we are.

Many of the blogs I read have said at some point that as a youth, they desperately longed for someone in the public eye who they could associate with, more often than not in a physical sense. I'm intrigued to know; Do you feel more accepting of your body when in the company of physically similar people? Has there been one particular person in the public eye (a celebrity/blogger etc) who you've felt reflects something you see in yourself?


  1. now i feel bad about saying how small i felt next to you haha, it was meant as a nice thing and i think you are fabulous, any size or height xxx

    1. Ha you silly thing! I should have specified that it's entirely acceptable from friends xxx

  2. I also have a tendency to apologise all of the time. Someone bumps into me, I am sorry for taking up so much space, if I need to push through a crowd, I am sorry for the amount of space my bum needs to get past them... I think some of us are just generally apologetic :) I definitely feel better around people of a similar stature, but I don't really know many people of my size or height. I'm 5'9" so not overly tall, but I kind of get where you are coming from, my nickname at school was 'giraffe'! xx

    1. Giraffes are TOTALLY the best animals. My husbands work colleagues call me The Giraffe. I take this as a compliment....sort of.... I think you're right when you say some people are generally apologetic, I just can't stop. I also show obscene amounts of gratitude. I will henceforth refer to it as hyper-manners x

  3. I don't apologise for my physical size and I don't think I ever have. I wouldn't give anyone the opportunity for a negative comment but that's because I had 2 brothers and it forced me to defend my corner (they weren't evil haha, noo, just brothers!) wanting to fit in is important to us, to find our little tribe otherwise it tends to enhance any feelings of not fitting in. I don't care about other peoples size, I'm interested in like minded souls and having a laugh, being comfortable with myself makes everyone comfortable around me. I do apologise for my clumsiness though, I'm lethal! x x x

    1. You have entirely the best attitude Lady. I have opened your book and taken out a leaf xxx

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