Saturday, 19 October 2013

Body Confidence Week - A hypocritical view...?!?

Today is the last day of #Bodyconfidence week and I’ve been thinking about how to approach it since it started....I’m going to write this blogs in two parts. Two parts that may or may not present me as a massive hypocrite, I’m not sure yet. Because as yet, it’s all still in my head. Until I type it. Then it's on the internet. Because that is how blogging works.
I love bodies, all bodies, whether they be big, small, hairy, bald, soft, hard, standing, sitting WHATEVER – I LOVE THEM.
I was going to put pictures of bodies I love here but there are too many and  I got distracted...
I've seen a fair few bodies in my time, both ladies' and men's bodies (Cos I'm kinky like that) and I can honestly say, there has not been one that I haven't wanted to look at for just a bit longer. Since getting into blogging and seeing what other people post, I have admired many well dressed and even undressed Bottoms, boobs, arms, thighs, tummies (Mmmm tummies) and there is never not a part I don't admire and envy.
Me and my body
When I was much, much younger, I wasn’t aware of my body at all, other than when I regularly grazed/bumped/broke it (more often than not, pretending to present Blue Peter - An altogether hazardous job guys) I swam daily and as a result had (and still do have) broad powerful shoulders and equal hips. I have always been very tall and pale and terribly clumsy... (I fall over NOTHING, just ask anyone who has spent more than 10 minutes with me...)
All of the youthful beauty. Right here.
When I got to around 14, people started to comment more on my figure: “Lanky” “Tit-less” “Man-ly” were all things I got used to hearing, funnily though, I can never remember taking them to heart – I am fortunate that my wonderful Mum genuinely instilled in me the belief that if someone else was obsessing so much over something in MY appearance, it must be a flaw in THEIR personality.
Then I stopped swimming, and that hormone shizzle kicked off, and the parts of me that had been strong or muscular became soft and quite squidgy... I wasn’t overweight, I wasn’t even fat. I was just a softer version of what I’d been before, and people noticed.  I got the nickname “Flabajab” (I actually find this quite endearing now!) from a group of 12 year olds, who would follow me around shouting it. I was 17 at this point, I’d never comments on my appearance get to me in the past, so why was this even an issue?!?! One of my favourite and most darling friends James came to my rescue, he would tell me I was wonderful and voluptuous (I’m not!) and we quickly changed this into “Vol-lumpy-full”, taking back some of the control I had to comment on my own body. Because yes, I had some lumps now.

Since then, my weight has fluctuated, as have my hair, my skin and my mental capacities...There have been times when my body, and how it looks, has made me sadder than Eeyore, I’ve hated every single miniscule part of me time after time in the self absorbed way that I’ve mastered to a T. I think the hardest part of it is that when I hate myself, I behave in a really irrational way. I become ridiculously defensive and a terrible person to be around. This isn’t “fat hating”, it’s “Smyth hating” I can hate myself just as effectively at a size 12 as I do at a size 18.
It bothers me that as women of any size/shape/colour/age, we are made to feel that we can’t be honest about what we think of our own bodies:  “You’re not slim, your thighs touch”  can be immediately counteracted with  “You’re not fat, you’re only a size 14” We daren’t say how we feel about ourselves for fear of upsetting other people or having the self image we have worked to become comfortable with snatched out our control. Over the years, my body confidence has been up and down: I have taken a variety of slimming pills / existed on takeaways, lived on vodka / Been T total for a year, used sunbeds / exfoliated obsessively, scarred myself in self hatred / spent hours in front of the mirror admiring myself, hidden my body  / flaunted my body , Hated myself / loved myself.
Look what my body has done...
Because yes, the fact is, some days, I love my body. I’m so impressed with the things it can do, that despite the years of abuse I’ve given it, it keeps on going, handling all the things thrown at it day after day: The stress, the fluctuating diet, the crawling around under desks to the not moving on the settee.  It copes a darn sight better than my fragile mind. How could I not love this? Because I am young and healthy, I’m confident that if I ask my beautiful, wonderful body to do something – It will. Plus, it feels nice, I've seen it look bloody glorious at times (NOT in a pair of tights and a bra - they make it distinctly UNglorious) and it all fits together really well so that my internal organs don't fall on the floor.
My body tolerates my brain telling it to do this. It is the worm.
So do you see what I mean? I can hardly say “YOU SHOULD ALWAYS FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOUR BODY ALL THE TIME YOU BIG FOOLISH PERSON”. Because I don’t.  And not everyone does.
But I can suggest to people that we appreciate what our bodies can do, and even what they CAN'T do. And if you love how your body looks, that’s just bloody awesome too, what a bonus!!!  Because these bodies are OUR bodies.

1 comment

  1. Lovely post! I don't think anyone loves their body all the time, and I think it's a journey. For me, stopping reading magazines and newspapers (both completely diet obsessed) and filling my eyes with the totally body posi Tumblr clan helped, as does reading loads of other people's blogs, in all kinds of sizes, but all 'out of the norm' if you will.

    Sometimes I pooch my stomach out in the mirror and wonder if I'm not secretly carrying twins, and sometimes I feel like I have more chins than Jabba the Hutt, but I think I love myself in defiance to the rest of the world and because this is it, this is my body. Why waste time hating it when in a flash I'll be 75 and it'll all be over. I don't have time to hate myself. I'm too busy getting up to mischief!

    Looking forward to part 2. x


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